Monday, March 17, 2008

I'm Brian Fellows!

Our new house has a huge yard, as most of the places in this area do, with lots of fertile and virtually undisturbed places for wild things to breed. At the old place, we had our share of birds (That bird is a LIAR!) brought in through the dog door by my hunting cats, but that was about it. They look harmless like this, no?
Usually they were either bloodlessly dead, or still alive enough to swoop around and scare the bejesus out of me; but feathers are easy to vacuum up and if you open a door or window, they'll fly right out pretty quickly. So no big stress.

But here? I'm thinking of getting my own cable access show so I can share all we have learned about local critters.

First came the ants. Hundreds, nay probably thousands of them streaming into the small bathroom. We caulked like fricking Schneider from One Day at a Time, and even called in the big guns professionals to exterminate. But still their armies came. To the point where I started to get a little tweaky, like feeling ants crawling on me when there were none…..and that they were on my clothes out in public and everyone would come to know me as the freaky insect lady…

I nearly came unglued at the open house at my son's new school when I found one walking on my arm while sitting at his desk. I had brought them with me and infested his school! OMG!! Can they trace the colony back to the ones at my house using ant DNA? Shit! Kaptain Klonopin had to rescue me from that panic attack! A few weeks later, when I was stable enough to venture to casually mention it, he told me there are ants in that particular classroom all the time, and they had been there long before open house. Whew! At least they're everywhere, not just here. Wait! They're EVERYWHERE? Where's my Klonopin?

I work BLUE!

Sorry, the title is not an Arrested Development/Blue Man Group reference, but a comment on how I roll in general. I love the cusswords. And since setting up this baby...
I have been giddy like a schoolgirl over the stuff I can stitch onto fabric. Of course I first tried Singer's practice design in the only color of embroidery thread I had lying around since the machine arrived before the thread sets I ordered. Oh, and I had to use clear thread for the bobbin for that same reason. Pretty? Note how the stem is jammed up in the flower......
Once I started in with the fonts things went straight downhill...

My homage to a funny Dane Cook bit. I blurred out 2 of the letters, but you know what it say, right? Can I say that on blogger?

Whoo-hoo! Maybe eventually I will make something sellable.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Invisible ME doll!!

You know how a bunch of times in your life you have had these really killer ideas? Just revelatory shit that could have made you a millionaire or changed the world for the better? Or at least forever? (Like my dad thought of the computer mouse way back when the first Apples were publicly available.) But you were too busy getting stoned or too broke/lazy to navigate the impossibly pricey and lengthy patent process? Or you never went to med school so the type of research you wanted to do might be misconstrued as "serial killing" or "mutilating corpses" and you couldn't get ahold of the Raelians no matter how hard you tried (Claude, dude, it's just ME!). Er...

Anyway, a very long time ago I had this freakish revelation that although I had lived with the same innards my whole life, I had never seen them. What does my heart, MY heart, not a general heart, not the frozen cut in half old dude's heart from the textbook, but my own heart look like? Do I have any weird anatomy? I think I should be allowed to monitor my liver as a preventative health thing anyway. I have pics of one measly ovary and my now disembodied uterus (FU uterus!...thanks for growing the babies but that other shit was torture!), but that's it.

(Guess which one this is! First right answer that sends me your snail mail address gets a very special expanding "magic towel" of the planet Uranus. Seriously.)

I dreamed of inventing a medication of some sort that would temporarily, or what the heck maybe even permanently render skin translucent enough to see through. The ultimate ANTI-TAN!! So Goth! It would be neat to display your inner junk in a belly shirt (Hey! Nice pancreas!) And it sure would cut down on exploratory surgeries and X-rays and expensive scary stuff like that. So, how far did I get in my experiments to develop this wonder chemical? Well, I tried that Michael Jackson skin bleach on a spot for awhile. No dice. That's about it. (They laughed at me at the university. Really. Mostly when I told them I was only gonna take philosophy/religion classes, but no math.)

Thank goodness some "real" "credentialed" scientists have gotten on this. I guess their way to see a panoramic view of the organs is probably a lot more technologically sexy. Probed....heh.